Cats in the Cradle

This song always gets to me when I hear it on the radio. I always feel that somehow this is what my life has now become. I am the father that was too busy to spend time. I might not have been as drastic as the song writers version of the father but I feel I certainly spent a lot of time running and starting my business when the kids were little. It is hurtful to think that I could have neglected my family but not spending enough quality time.

What can I expect? I probably gave them the example of not calling my mother enough or visiting back home more often. I didn't share the need of connecting with my own mother so why would they think it should be any different. Now that she is gone it is painful to realize that I wasn't there enough as a son. I didn't make it a priority. That hurts. Sure I called, but not much......not enough. She was lonely.....and I was busy.....or so I always told myself. I'll carry that for a long time.

Even with today's technology, we are too distant. Too far away to connect even on the most minimal levels. A picture on facebook, a comment in a text, a five minute call.....hey how are you doing? We are all busy with our lives. With our OWN lives.....that is what I taught was important. That is was I thought was the most important. That is what should be expected. I didn't realize it until it was too late. But again that is my own burden to carry. My own grief.

What happens tomorrow? That I do not know. Time marches on and by no means am I getting younger. My meager attempts to gain respect and pride from those I care for really go unnoticed. Although I have worked hard to achieve better health to hang around this world for a little longer, I'm not sure it matters. I understand things differently as I look at life from a different perspective. Getting old doesn't appear as graceful as it sounds. Getting old just sucks. Being old just sucks. Now that I think about it, who can imagine an old Elvis, an old Michael Jackson, an old Marilyn Monroe? Their candles went out early and maybe that it meant to be for some.

The clock keeps ticking. The pages of the calendar keep flipping. There is a line in the sand that is drawn not we don't know exactly where it will occur. I push with each marathon to do just a little more....a little better......but the line is drawn as to my limit. Mine could very well could be soon. Could be that line just beyond my own father's. 52. Once that was a distant mark. Now I can nearly reach out and touch it. We will see. We will see how far I can run. We will see if I can reach some line that is far beyond the next few years. But then again, I don't see myself becoming an old Elvis. And would it even matter.

Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

When you comin' home, Dad

I don't know when, but we'll get together then

You know we'll have a good time then.

You know my friends......it will be a good time......then.

Eugene Thompson

ET This I Believe