It is so ridiculously crazy that it has to be just a folk lore, a figment of our imagination, a dream no make that a nightmare......did I really do that? Life imitates art.....er....at least a movie. The Christmas Vacation specifically.
OK, so here is the story that relives all the "dad is out of his rocker" for Christmas moments in our family. There were no pictures to capture the evidence, but trust me it was true. You will just have to visualize the moments described.
This took place back in Pennsylvania when the kids were young. My oldest two boys were about 5 and 3 years old. We had...ok I had...decided to begin a new tradition by going and cutting our Christmas tree down. All my life I had grown up with an artificial tree and each year I had to "set up" the tree by going down to the basement, digging out the tree from a box and assembling it. I just wanted something a bit more special and memorable for the kids.
At the time, we lived out in the country in a one room school house that was built over 150 years ago. It was a pretty cool place as it was positioned next to a huge animal reserve surrounded by hills and a small creek running nearby. The old house was made of all brick and yes there still was a working bell on top. The ceilings were over 13' high with three very large windows on each side of the house. Most of the heat was generated from a wood burning stove that could quickly heat up the entire house. I remember telling the kids that they needed to bring in firewood each day before I got home from work because if they didn't......we would all freeze that night! The kids would bring in one log at a time (that was all they could carry...it was too heavy) and fill up the fire box ready for the night.
We had never done the "cutting down the tree thing" before but had seen a sign up near the house where there was a large property (private residence) where they had a huge yard with trees to cut down. I didn't know they were only open on weekends, but I was so busy with work and time was limited. So I decided to run up to the place with my two boys and cut down a tree.....after all, how tough could that be....right? When we started this adventure, it was still daylight outside....but nightfall was coming quickly....time was limited.
At the time, we drove an old green station wagon fondly referred to as the MOBILE COMMAND UNIT. It was terrible....army green, no air conditioning, back windows didn't even roll down, not even a radio. It was simply our troop transport for the Thompson family. Anyway, with the two boys loaded up in the ugly green sleigh and a hand saw ready for cutting down our first tree....off we go. We get to the location, parked down at the bottom of the hill near the entrance.....there was nobody in sight....hum....should have been the first clue. No matter, I was bound to make this event happen. The boys and I marched up the hill and knocked on the door. The nice lady at the door said they were closed except for the weekends. I begged to allow us to cut down our tree.....with two little boys standing next to me all bundled up how could she deny us. She allowed us to cut our tree...just not one that had been tagged already and there was a netting machine down at the bottom of the hill. Unfortunately nobody other than herself was at home so she couldn't help us. We were on our own.
No worries....we can do this! So we went back down the hill near the car and began looking for the perfect tree. The night was coming on .... and oh great....it started misting. So not only was it cold, but the rain was making it worse outside. We knew we wanted a big tree because of the ceiling height.....it just had to be the RIGHT tree. We started looking nearby the car, but they weren't very big. We moved through the forest of trees looking for the right one....each one we came to the boys would chime out together, "How about this one, Daddy?", nope....not big enough..."yeah, your right Daddy, we need a bigger one." Onward we marched through the maze of trees until finally we were pretty far up the hill. We found the perfect tree, it was a perfect shape, filled out everywhere and most certainly it looked like it was big enough. I couldn't tell very well how big it was because I didn't have a measuring guide and now it was dark and the rain began to turn to freezing rain as the temperature had dropped once the sun went down.
Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard. Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.
So the sawing began...our first REAL tree....the ground was wet now and it was cold.....not easy cutting this tree down...it had a huge trunk. But finally it fell...and now to get it down the hill to the car. The kids weren't much helping carrying the tree.....5 and 3 years old....what did you expect! Man, were we that far away from the bottom of the hill....it seemed like forever dragging the tree through this forested labyrinth. man is it cold. but, with much struggle and much grunting.
Ok, lets see if we can run it through the netter....by the way I have never used one of these before. First to try and pick this massive thing up and put it on an 18" wide table that is 1/3 rd the size of the tree.....oh yeah, now beginning to be covered in frozen rain drops. We line it up after much struggle and much much grunting.....we get maybe 4 foot of the base in the netter when we realize it ain't goin in any further. I am standing on the table top tugging at the base of the tree, slipping all the time on the slick table top......defeated...."Lets pull it out and just put it in the car," I say to the kids. Easier said than done.....you know those netters were design ed to go one way....not the other.
Finally we got it out of the netter and begin to put it on the car.....yes, I was going to tie it on top.....wait....with who's help? My oldest was probably only 2 1/2 feet tall.....how was he going to reach the top of the car.......yes, again with much struggle and much much much grunting I finally gave up on the task of tying it to the roof of our faithful MOBILE COMMAND UNIT.
So, in the back of the wagon. I lower the back seat. I lower the tail gate. I tug the tree in the back. easier said than done.....I have to lift it up on the tailgate, climb inside from the front and then pull, pull and pull some more until it is all the way in..........okay.....in a far as it would go.....up the the back of the front seat. With nothing inside the car to tie the tree to, I go around to survey how much is remaining outside of the command unit.........ahhhhhh......you got it......I managed to get all 6 feet of the tree in the wagon....with only a mere 12 more feet hanging out......yes....you can add..... 18' of tree......13' tall ceilings....in a 6 foot MOBILE COMMAND UNIT with only two little boys hanging on to the tree preventing it from falling out as we eased down the road homeward bound. The boys had been given strict instructions that if they let go and let the tree fall out of the car that there would be disastrous consequences. so, with much struggle and much much much much grunting....they held onto the tree.
Enjoy my friends.
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